The Art of Saying No
Setting boundaries and learning to say no doesn’t always come naturally. I used to be the serial good-girl, yes-girl and put-myself-last-girl. I used to take pride in my ability to do it all! But my inability to say no has led me to serious burnout in the past. It’s something I’ve actively had to work on and practice.
Do you have difficulty saying no?
Are you a chronic people pleaser?
Do you constantly worry what others will think of you?
Do you dislike disappointing people?
If you do say no, do you find you have to make a long list of excuses why and apologise profusely?
If you say no then become riddled with guilt?
Saying no is an essential part of a self-care practice. Sure there are times we have to and really want to say yes. But can you think of times when you've said yes to something when your heart was really saying no?
Saying no makes more room to say yes to the things that really light you up!
Saying no means filling up your own cup first so you have more energy to give to others. It isn't just about saying no to people either, it's saying no to habits that don't serve you.
Saying no means more time to spend doing the things you love with the people you love.
You might be wondering so how do I know if I'm not great at setting boundaries or saying no?
If you're feeling exhausted, if you always put yourself last, if you run around trying to please everyone and push yourself, it's likely you're not great at saying no or setting boundaries.
So how can you start to change this?
Before you say yes, pause.
Stop and take a long, deep breath. Tune into your body. Is it a yes or is it actually a no? Does your body feel light, open and energised by saying yes or does it feel heavy, smothered or contracted? Your body/heart/intuition knows the answer well before your mind. Your mind will try to keep you stuck in old people pleasing ways and interrupt with "but what would they think if I said no, will I disappoint them?" Learn to trust your intuition. Saying yes when you mean no is a disservice to all everyone. If you're the only one involved and it's about saying no to a bad habit, ask yourself what is the most loving thing for me to do right now? Is it to have an apple instead of that 5th row of chocolate or is it to go to bed instead of watching another episode on Netflix?
Saying no is like a muscle, it gets stronger over time the more it's worked.
That's right. The more you say no, the easier it gets. You realise that the world isn't going to fall apart when you say no to someone or to a bad habit. In fact it often means someone else will step up in your place. Your health, business or relationships will benefit significantly by saying no. For example, saying no to working late might mean coming home on time to spend quality time with your partner or children. Or saying no to a night out means you get to wake up early and make your early morning yoga class. If it's saying no to a bad habit, think of the positive in saying no. For me, my constant struggle is not getting enough sleep. Saying no to staying up late means saying yes to more sleep, which will see me more energised, more restored, more productive and clear.
Start a no jar.
Saying no for many people is super difficult and uncomfortable. It brings up a lot of resistance and guilt! It triggers the 'good girl' and the 'people pleaser' in us all. So why not celebrate when you do say no. Try starting a 'no' jar to celebrate all the times you do say no to people, invites, activities and bad habits that you would usually say yes to. Every time you successfully say no, pop a note with a brief description of what you've said no to in the jar and what you've gained as a result. You can reflect back at how far you've come over time. Remember saying no is a good thing. It means you're learning to take better care of yourself, value your time and your energy.
Saying yes to everything can actually hold us back from achieving our goals in life. It's a form of self-sabotage. We end up overcommitting, distracting ourselves from what we truly want and deserve and this can lead to burn out, frustration and resentment.
Saying no creates space for saying yes to you.
Saying no creates space for the things you love and that light you up.